More like blarg...

So, I think I'm going to change the url of this here blog... I don't actually have any readers per se, so it shouldn't really matter. I'll export the posts from this one to the new one, which will make it weird to read this there... this is hurting my head a little.

In conclusion...

That'll do.

On the topic of Five Guys Burgers and Fries...

The burgers here sucked, trust me. I'm the man. It's party time.

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 5)

Well it's Christmas morning... I'm awake... a little hungover. I figured I would finish up this little series.

Oh what the fuck.

Released on December 25, 1985 "No Presents for Christmas" may actually be King Diamond's finest work. A pretty unique departure from anything he did with Mercyful Fate, K D mentions Tom, Jerry, and Donald Duck in "NPFC" and presumably did it was while singing into a femur.

Merry Christmas Jerks!


Oh and Fran Sucks!

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 4)

I doubt many people realize it... but "Fuck Christmas" was only FEAR's second released single. It's really short, to the point and typically mirrors the way I feel about the holiday at this point. I've been brow beaten with carols on the radio and forced to sit in traffic if I tried to drive anywhere near a store...

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 3)

Song number 3 comes from a Boston band that I fell in love with when I was fourteen years old and they still hold a special place in my heart today. In 1995 The Showcase Showdown released a 7" Single for their song "Ho, Ho, Ho Chi Minh" a loving song that tells the tale of a Vietnamese Communist revolutionary bringing forth presents...


As fun and Christmassy as the song may be, it's the B-side of this 7" that really deserves the kudos. "Merry Christmas, I Fucked Your Snowman" is a fucking awesome song and it's title pretty much speaks for itself. Enjoy.

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 2)

The next entry into this fun little series is from one of my favorite all girl japanese pop-punk bands. "Space Christmas" by Shonen Knife would also fall under the heading of "Songs That Make Me Want To Shit Rainbows" (which may appear on this blog at some point in the future).

Shonen Knife has proven time and time again that repetition is the key to a catchy punk tune and "Space Christmas" is no exception. We also learn exactly what "space food" is... marshmallow and ice cream, who knew?

(yeah, the video and the song are not actually related... shut up, I didn't make it)

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 1)

"Drinkin' Up Christmas" by the Dwarves is basically just their song "Better Be Women" with different lyrics. It's pretty great for that reason alone.

Dead or alive, you're coming with me...

They should stop naming movies...

Because the best movie title has already been taken...

From IMDB:

Popatopolis follows Jim Wynorski, the most prolific Hollywood director you've never heard of. Jim, has directed over 75 feature films, but NOW he'll attempt to make one... in THREE DAYS. Jim cuts the shooting schedule, has the actors cook their own food, and reduces his electric package to just two lights so he can concentrate on his filmmaking philosophy, "A Big Chase and A Big Chest." Watch and laugh as Jim prepares to "Pop some tops."

shit just got real.

rhyme time...

Pizza is an interesting word.

There are not many words that rhyme with it, and I've yet to come up with one that isn't a proper noun.

One such word, Srebrenica is the four syllable name of a town/municipality in eastern Bosnia and Herzegovina. This word brings to mind the terrible genocide that took place during the Bosnian War in 1995. The "Srebrenica Massacre", as it is now known, resulted in the deaths of 8,000 Bosniak men and the ethnic cleansing of 25,000-30,000 refugees in the area at the hands of the Army of the Republika Srpska (Bosnian Serb Army) and a paramilitary group from Serbia know as the Scorpions...

Hallo!

(If you are interested in this or any other murderous topics, you can check with your local library.)


Ibiza, on the other hand, brings to mind a desire to purchase stock in a local glowstick manufacturer and blast Vengaboys while holding a daiquiri in the air of a room filled with foam and scantily clad co-eds.

Another guy who sucks...

...in addition to Fran.

This asshole from Star Tropics for the NES:

like seriously... it's a fucking ostrich with a human skull for a head. This dude hops around and, news to me, can jump over small bodies of water... How the hell am I supposed to take two of these pricks on with nothing but a yo-yo? I may never save Mike Jones' uncle from the aliens.

Oh god damn it!

In case you forgot...

There is this guy named Fran, and he eats balls all the time. Dudes balls to be specific.

He's one of my very best friends, but HOLY SHIT DOES HE FUCKING SUCK!

Professional Suckbag

Thank you for your time.

I've got the pistols, so I'll keep the pesos...

SURPRISE!!!!11!1ONE!

Last week I finally decided I'd break down and buy a god damn Wii. So I shelled out the cash, picked up the latest (3 years old) Zelda game and I've been holed up playing that shit like whoa. My estimate is that I'm only about halfway through, and it's excellent. I'll probably write up a full report upon completion.

I've been playing this damn thing too much so I think I'm going to shut it off. Throw Slapshot in the old DVD player and go to bed.

Oh yeah... Fran puked all over my street at about 3:30am (I think). Woke up my brother and probably half the neighborhood. God he sucks.

BLECHHHH!!!

T-Shirt, Dish Dirt...

Baby I'm ready to old... Wait, that sucked.

A big happy birthday to Saffron, lead singer of Republica, who turned Forty FUCKING One this week. I, for one, totally had the hots for her when I was like 13. Who is Republica? You may as well ask who GOD is! Although chances are you're just retarded.
Republica, probably the best band in the world to only last 4 years, was a prolific "electronica" group that reached the height of their success with hits such as "Ready To Go" and "Drop Dead Gorgeous" in the mid-90's. The latter, to reach 93 on the US Top 100... the former to feature some of the finest lyrics ever to escape the idiot brain of a 4 year old special-ed student.

"You sleep, too deep, one week is another world
Big mouth, drop out,
You get what you deserve
You're stange, insane, one thing you can never change"

Well. I love it. And... oh shit, my pizza is here... Ok time for an abrupt ending...

Great so far, Pee-wee. Action Packed!

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Of Vomit and Star Trek...

Showering is tough.

All things considered this was a pretty good weekend. I saw the Revs not lose, I drank a shitload of beer, I threw up and saw Star Trek. By the way... never have I shown up that late to a party (especially where they are playing Beirut) and still found that much beer in the keg... fucking amateur hour man. We drank a lot of shitty keg beer (with 5 dudes for every girl I'm not sure what else we were supposed to do) and danced along to all the gangsta hits of the 90's*. I don't really remember getting home, but I do remember waking up fully clothed on the middle of my floor at abour 8:15AM. I didn't drive folks so don't worry. Actually it was that bastard Fran behind the wheel, but we'll get to him later.

I spent a good portion of Sunday on the couch watching Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory and trying to stave off the inevitable esophageal eruption just around the corner. This so happened to be the day that my mother was making her first meal for us since she got out of the hospital. She had a stroke in late March and was in one hospital or another until late April. Feeling like death, but wanting to support my still recovering mother I came to the table and tried to eat. The second I ate that god damned carrot it just wanted out. I ran to the toilet and just barely made in time to see said carrot along with the chinese food I had forgotten I stole at the party the night before (See: how awesome I am). After I got the "all clear" from my gut I felt great. Just a quick mouth rinse I was at the table and finishing my meal.

While at dinner I learned that my parents and sister were going to see Star Trek at the IMAX Theater at Jordan's Furniture in Natick. For anyone who doesn't know Jordan's Furniture, that probably sounds reall weird but trust me it's not. I also learned that my dad had an extra ticket in the offchance that my dickhead brother or I might want to join them. As I was now feeling good and my brother still feeling the effects of a night not dissimilar from mine, I decided to take that extra ticket and we had a little family outing to the furniture store to vidi a film.

Since this IMAX theater is in a furniture store, it seems only fitting that the seats are all made of tempur-pedic foam. I mean duh. They also have subwoofers in all of the seats that they call "butt-kickers" which spent the entire 2 hours of the film numbing my ass into submission. It was great.

As far as the movie is concerned... I thought it was very good. I've been a nerd... um... er... Star Trek fan for many many years and I thought this one was great. The characters were all very well portrayed. There were more than enough throwbacks to the original series without getting too silly. Karl Urban was a great Bones and even had some of the exact same facial expressions as DeForest Kelley. My only real problem was with Sulu... Nothing against John Cho or even his portrayal really, but it just wasn't the same without Takei's creepily deep voice. But I guess it's not every century you find a gay asian man with a baritone voice like that. Aside from that minuscule issue I really enjoyed it. They did a pretty good job with explaining how it was the same but not the same as the original series. They used an established villain (well established race anyway). And most importantly, they made it an accesible film to newcomers without completely alienating the old fans. (George Lucas should take some fucking notes)

In other news... I've been coaching a middle school co-ed indoor soccer team for the past couple of months. Today we played our semifinal match and won 9-2... we actually won every game before that too. Wednesday we play in the championship game and I'm very much hoping that we won't repeat the 07-08 Patriots final. I've already decided that if we win I am going to buy my own championship banner and hang it in the gym... I don't care, I think it would be awesome.

Anyway... In closing I guess I'd just like to point out how much Fran sucks...

IT'S A LOT!

*FUN FACT: The song in the video linked here is actually my ringtone... YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

Here's a fucking update...

Marked for death.

Well another hockey season ends and another year Joe slams every door in his path. One thing is for sure... the first person who fucks with me tomorrow is likely to be tackled and beaten. Please don't let this happen at work.

Who Sucks?

FRAN SUCKS!








Not DMX!
So whatever it is you puffin on that got you think that you
Superman I got the Kryptonite, should I smack
him with my dick and the mic?

Gummi Worms for Breakfast

Make 'em say uuhhhnnnggh!

Went to the GWAR concert in Providence on Sunday night. This makes the 6th time I've seen them live, but first in a couple of years. The theme of this tour was that of Intergalactic Championship Wrestling (hmm guys in big foam costumes wrestling each other, what a novel concept) This tour also reintroduced Sleazy P. Martini after an absence of several years. They didn't have Gor Gor with them this time around which is unfortunate because it's a great song and a really great puppet. They did however have the massive "Reaganator" cyborg which was fucking awesome.

The chest of the Reaganator house the mangled body of his wife.

Like the morning after any GWAR show, I woke up with a sore neck and covered in fake blood (and bile). Good times.

I fear that I may have this H1N1 virus... formerly known as Swine Flu, formerly known as "The AIDS". I heard one of the symptoms is being really bored and pooping all the time. If so then I am fucked.

Me and my new cat, Dylan.

In conclusion...

PCD 4-EVA!!!

on the subject of Las Ketchup...

me: you are so gonna download this the second you get home
casey: no
casey: i won't
me: yes you will
casey: no i won't
me: yes.. you WILL
casey: i'm not going to, joe
me: casey, who do you think you're kidding?
me: you don't have to make up fairy stories for my benefit
casey: it's NOT A FAIRY STORY
casey: I DON'T WANT IT
me: sure casey. sure.
casey: why don't we just drop it?
me: I believe you... but do you believe you
casey: YOU"RE MAKIGN ME OSOOO ANGRY
me: is it really me, or is it your unwillingness to be true to yourself?
casey: i'm going home