One Armed Love Machine.

More like blarg...

2010-01-14T19:11:00.002-05:00

So, I think I'm going to change the url of this here blog... I don't actually have any readers per se, so it shouldn't really matter. I'll export the posts from this one to the new one, which will make it weird to read this there... this is hurting my head a little.

In conclusion...

That'll do.

On the topic of Five Guys Burgers and Fries...

2009-12-28T19:17:00.004-05:00

The burgers here sucked, trust me. I'm the man. It's party time.

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 5)

2009-12-25T09:50:00.004-05:00

Well it's Christmas morning... I'm awake... a little hungover. I figured I would finish up this little series.

Oh what the fuck.

Released on December 25, 1985 "No Presents for Christmas" may actually be King Diamond's finest work. A pretty unique departure from anything he did with Mercyful Fate, K D mentions Tom, Jerry, and Donald Duck in "NPFC" and presumably did it was while singing into a femur.

Merry Christmas Jerks!

Oh and Fran Sucks!

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 4)

2009-12-24T18:33:00.004-05:00

I doubt many people realize it... but "Fuck Christmas" was only FEAR's second released single. It's really short, to the point and typically mirrors the way I feel about the holiday at this point. I've been brow beaten with carols on the radio and forced to sit in traffic if I tried to drive anywhere near a store...

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 3)

2009-12-15T11:45:00.004-05:00

Song number 3 comes from a Boston band that I fell in love with when I was fourteen years old and they still hold a special place in my heart today. In 1995 The Showcase Showdown released a 7" Single for their song "Ho, Ho, Ho Chi Minh" a loving song that tells the tale of a Vietnamese Communist revolutionary bringing forth presents...

As fun and Christmassy as the song may be, it's the B-side of this 7" that really deserves the kudos. "Merry Christmas, I Fucked Your Snowman" is a fucking awesome song and it's title pretty much speaks for itself. Enjoy.

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 2)

2009-12-14T10:56:00.008-05:00

The next entry into this fun little series is from one of my favorite all girl japanese pop-punk bands. "Space Christmas" by Shonen Knife would also fall under the heading of "Songs That Make Me Want To Shit Rainbows" (which may appear on this blog at some point in the future).

Shonen Knife has proven time and time again that repetition is the key to a catchy punk tune and "Space Christmas" is no exception. We also learn exactly what "space food" is... marshmallow and ice cream, who knew?

(yeah, the video and the song are not actually related... shut up, I didn't make it)

Christmas Songs That Don't Make Me Want To Kill Myself (Part 1)

2009-12-13T02:56:00.005-05:00

"Drinkin' Up Christmas" by the Dwarves is basically just their song "Better Be Women" with different lyrics. It's pretty great for that reason alone.

Dead or alive, you're coming with me...

2009-12-02T16:47:00.002-05:00

They should stop naming movies...

2009-11-21T10:43:00.004-05:00

Because the best movie title has already been taken...

From IMDB:

Popatopolis follows Jim Wynorski, the most prolific Hollywood director you've never heard of. Jim, has directed over 75 feature films, but NOW he'll attempt to make one... in THREE DAYS. Jim cuts the shooting schedule, has the actors cook their own food, and reduces his electric package to just two lights so he can concentrate on his filmmaking philosophy, "A Big Chase and A Big Chest." Watch and laugh as Jim prepares to "Pop some tops."

shit just got real.

rhyme time...

2009-11-20T12:11:00.007-05:00

Pizza is an interesting word.

There are not many words that rhyme with it, and I've yet to come up with one that isn't a proper noun.

One such word, Srebrenica is the four syllable name of a town/municipality in eastern Bosnia and Herzegovina. This word brings to mind the terrible genocide that took place during the Bosnian War in 1995. The "Srebrenica Massacre", as it is now known, resulted in the deaths of 8,000 Bosniak men and the ethnic cleansing of 25,000-30,000 refugees in the area at the hands of the Army of the Republika Srpska (Bosnian Serb Army) and a paramilitary group from Serbia know as the Scorpions...

Hallo!

(If you are interested in this or any other murderous topics, you can check with your local library.)

Ibiza, on the other hand, brings to mind a desire to purchase stock in a local glowstick manufacturer and blast Vengaboys while holding a daiquiri in the air of a room filled with foam and scantily clad co-eds.

Another guy who sucks...

2009-06-30T21:30:00.002-04:00

...in addition to Fran.

This asshole from Star Tropics for the NES:

like seriously... it's a fucking ostrich with a human skull for a head. This dude hops around and, news to me, can jump over small bodies of water... How the hell am I supposed to take two of these pricks on with nothing but a yo-yo? I may never save Mike Jones' uncle from the aliens.

Oh god damn it!

In case you forgot...

2009-06-22T13:58:00.002-04:00

There is this guy named Fran, and he eats balls all the time. Dudes balls to be specific.

He's one of my very best friends, but HOLY SHIT DOES HE FUCKING SUCK!

Professional Suckbag

Thank you for your time.

I've got the pistols, so I'll keep the pesos...

2009-06-14T23:08:00.004-04:00

SURPRISE!!!!11!1ONE!

Last week I finally decided I'd break down and buy a god damn Wii. So I shelled out the cash, picked up the latest (3 years old) Zelda game and I've been holed up playing that shit like whoa. My estimate is that I'm only about halfway through, and it's excellent. I'll probably write up a full report upon completion.

I've been playing this damn thing too much so I think I'm going to shut it off. Throw Slapshot in the old DVD player and go to bed.

Oh yeah... Fran puked all over my street at about 3:30am (I think). Woke up my brother and probably half the neighborhood. God he sucks.

BLECHHHH!!!

T-Shirt, Dish Dirt...

2009-06-06T18:14:00.016-04:00

Baby I'm ready to old... Wait, that sucked.

A big happy birthday to Saffron, lead singer of Republica, who turned Forty FUCKING One this week. I, for one, totally had the hots for her when I was like 13. Who is Republica? You may as well ask who GOD is! Although chances are you're just retarded.
Republica, probably the best band in the world to only last 4 years, was a prolific "electronica" group that reached the height of their success with hits such as "Ready To Go" and "Drop Dead Gorgeous" in the mid-90's. The latter, to reach 93 on the US Top 100... the former to feature some of the finest lyrics ever to escape the idiot brain of a 4 year old special-ed student.

"You sleep, too deep, one week is another world
Big mouth, drop out,
You get what you deserve
You're stange, insane, one thing you can never change"

Well. I love it. And... oh shit, my pizza is here... Ok time for an abrupt ending...

Great so far, Pee-wee. Action Packed!

2009-05-23T13:48:00.005-04:00

File Under: "Worthwhile"

Last night saw the largest Asshole reunion in recent history at the World Premier of "Lawson: White Heat" at the Coolidge Corner Theater in Brookline, MA. Now, I'm not really a great judge of crowd size but there were easily 4000 people there. One of the great things about this film was that it was written/directed/produced by friends of mine and, because of that, the fact that it reached completion is truly amazing (Especially with that prick John Koziol involved).

Prior to it's release it received a write up in the Weekly Dig (and I'm pretty sure that all 6 of their readers were at the theater).

From the Dig:

Guns, gore, cocaine and more cuss words than you'd care to shake a fucking stick at-—that's Lawson in a nutshell. Locally shot and produced by Barry Delehanty, Lawson serves as an homage to the shitty action and exploitation flicks that ruled the B (and C and D) grade market in the '80s, while implementing the cheeky humor used in the recent surge of action/comedies like Hot Fuzz, Pineapple Express and Observe and Report.

I personally thought it was great and I say that with no amount of bias... actually, I fucking hate these guys (Especially Koziol). The film however is pretty fucking awesome. Made with zero budget, maybe a few too many dudes butts and a shitload of Asians, this was obviously a labor of love.

The next time it's shown I will be in the theater once again and all of you mother fucking cocksuckers had better be there too.

And in case you thought, with all the Koziol bashing, that I forgot about Fran...

FUCK FRAN!

Of Vomit and Star Trek...

2009-05-18T20:27:00.004-04:00

Showering is tough.

All things considered this was a pretty good weekend. I saw the Revs not lose, I drank a shitload of beer, I threw up and saw Star Trek. By the way... never have I shown up that late to a party (especially where they are playing Beirut) and still found that much beer in the keg... fucking amateur hour man. We drank a lot of shitty keg beer (with 5 dudes for every girl I'm not sure what else we were supposed to do) and danced along to all the gangsta hits of the 90's*. I don't really remember getting home, but I do remember waking up fully clothed on the middle of my floor at abour 8:15AM. I didn't drive folks so don't worry. Actually it was that bastard Fran behind the wheel, but we'll get to him later.

I spent a good portion of Sunday on the couch watching Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory and trying to stave off the inevitable esophageal eruption just around the corner. This so happened to be the day that my mother was making her first meal for us since she got out of the hospital. She had a stroke in late March and was in one hospital or another until late April. Feeling like death, but wanting to support my still recovering mother I came to the table and tried to eat. The second I ate that god damned carrot it just wanted out. I ran to the toilet and just barely made in time to see said carrot along with the chinese food I had forgotten I stole at the party the night before (See: how awesome I am). After I got the "all clear" from my gut I felt great. Just a quick mouth rinse I was at the table and finishing my meal.

While at dinner I learned that my parents and sister were going to see Star Trek at the IMAX Theater at Jordan's Furniture in Natick. For anyone who doesn't know Jordan's Furniture, that probably sounds reall weird but trust me it's not. I also learned that my dad had an extra ticket in the offchance that my dickhead brother or I might want to join them. As I was now feeling good and my brother still feeling the effects of a night not dissimilar from mine, I decided to take that extra ticket and we had a little family outing to the furniture store to vidi a film.

Since this IMAX theater is in a furniture store, it seems only fitting that the seats are all made of tempur-pedic foam. I mean duh. They also have subwoofers in all of the seats that they call "butt-kickers" which spent the entire 2 hours of the film numbing my ass into submission. It was great.

As far as the movie is concerned... I thought it was very good. I've been a nerd... um... er... Star Trek fan for many many years and I thought this one was great. The characters were all very well portrayed. There were more than enough throwbacks to the original series without getting too silly. Karl Urban was a great Bones and even had some of the exact same facial expressions as DeForest Kelley. My only real problem was with Sulu... Nothing against John Cho or even his portrayal really, but it just wasn't the same without Takei's creepily deep voice. But I guess it's not every century you find a gay asian man with a baritone voice like that. Aside from that minuscule issue I really enjoyed it. They did a pretty good job with explaining how it was the same but not the same as the original series. They used an established villain (well established race anyway). And most importantly, they made it an accesible film to newcomers without completely alienating the old fans. (George Lucas should take some fucking notes)

In other news... I've been coaching a middle school co-ed indoor soccer team for the past couple of months. Today we played our semifinal match and won 9-2... we actually won every game before that too. Wednesday we play in the championship game and I'm very much hoping that we won't repeat the 07-08 Patriots final. I've already decided that if we win I am going to buy my own championship banner and hang it in the gym... I don't care, I think it would be awesome.

Anyway... In closing I guess I'd just like to point out how much Fran sucks...

IT'S A LOT!

*FUN FACT: The song in the video linked here is actually my ringtone... YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

Here's a fucking update...

2009-05-15T00:04:00.005-04:00

Marked for death.

Well another hockey season ends and another year Joe slams every door in his path. One thing is for sure... the first person who fucks with me tomorrow is likely to be tackled and beaten. Please don't let this happen at work.

Who Sucks?

2009-05-06T13:52:00.002-04:00

FRAN SUCKS!

Not DMX!
So whatever it is you puffin on that got you think that you
Superman I got the Kryptonite, should I smack
him with my dick and the mic?

Gummi Worms for Breakfast

2009-05-05T10:37:00.006-04:00

Make 'em say uuhhhnnnggh!

Went to the GWAR concert in Providence on Sunday night. This makes the 6th time I've seen them live, but first in a couple of years. The theme of this tour was that of Intergalactic Championship Wrestling (hmm guys in big foam costumes wrestling each other, what a novel concept) This tour also reintroduced Sleazy P. Martini after an absence of several years. They didn't have Gor Gor with them this time around which is unfortunate because it's a great song and a really great puppet. They did however have the massive "Reaganator" cyborg which was fucking awesome.

The chest of the Reaganator house the mangled body of his wife.

Like the morning after any GWAR show, I woke up with a sore neck and covered in fake blood (and bile). Good times.

I fear that I may have this H1N1 virus... formerly known as Swine Flu, formerly known as "The AIDS". I heard one of the symptoms is being really bored and pooping all the time. If so then I am fucked.

Me and my new cat, Dylan.

In conclusion...

PCD 4-EVA!!!

on the subject of Las Ketchup...

2009-05-01T15:14:00.003-04:00

me: you are so gonna download this the second you get home
casey: no
casey: i won't
me: yes you will
casey: no i won't
me: yes.. you WILL
casey: i'm not going to, joe
me: casey, who do you think you're kidding?
me: you don't have to make up fairy stories for my benefit
casey: it's NOT A FAIRY STORY
casey: I DON'T WANT IT
me: sure casey. sure.
casey: why don't we just drop it?
me: I believe you... but do you believe you
casey: YOU"RE MAKIGN ME OSOOO ANGRY
me: is it really me, or is it your unwillingness to be true to yourself?
casey: i'm going home

No Tip!

2009-04-30T07:36:00.003-04:00

MOAR TAX HIEKS PLZ! K THX!

2009-04-28T13:08:00.006-04:00

House lawmakers in Massachusetts voted to increase the sales tax in MA to 6.25 percent, up from the 5 we were so accustomed to. Big fucking deal! What does that mean? My Double cheeseburger is going to cost $1.0625 now? Shit. That's terrible I guess, but lets face it you're just gonna go up to New Hampshire to buy that new washer/dryer anyway so while you're up there pick me up a carton of Camels and 2 gallon jug of Jagermeister. 108 votes to 51... a veto proof victory. Does anyone else think it's super lame that 'veto' is just 'vote' misspelled? Does anyone else think politics are fucking boring? Just me? Oh well, now to the weather.

Uhhhngh! Weather!

It's freakin' hot!

It's a hot day in Boston ladies and gents. Andrew Ryan of the Boston Globe refers to it as "a blast of unseasonably warm air" which, with the addendum "in the face", is probably the best description for the image above.
If the thermometer reaches 92 (which I think it already has) it will break a 'just of legal age' record of 90 degrees set in the spring of 1990. Because the dew point is particularly low this "blast of unseasonably warm air" isn't very wet... "in the face". The low humidity has actually driven the National Weather Service to raise a "red flag warning" because the high temp/low humidity combo is great for spreading fir es. This alert will be in effect until 6PM after which I hope you'll join me for a "Red Flag Warning Lifting Party: Where We Get Loaded and Kick Some Hipster Ass In Pub Trivia" at the Brendan Behan Pub in Jamaica Plain tonight... I'll be there sometime around 8.

Not so certain how to end this...

We're all gonna fucking die!

Mexican Food...

2009-04-27T13:32:00.003-04:00

Unsure of just what to write about today I consulted my esteemed colleague M.K. Dixon. He suggested Mexican food. I love Mexican food, and with Cinco de Mayo right around the corner and our own Tequila Day fast approaching, I thought this was a great idea for a topic... initially anyway. I was going to talk about some of my particularly favored dishes and even do a little blurb about my favorite Mexican restaurant, Acapulco (no, not the chain) in Jamaica Plain, MA....

That's all well and good... but instead I got bored and thought "Shit, it'd be a whole lot more fun to just post a painting of a woman riding a hippopotamus."

Flyest ride on the block.

I really want a cheeseburger.

Probably off saving Hyrule...

2009-04-26T14:02:00.003-04:00

The pricks I have spent my entire morning with:

Pardon me while I nerd off.

Dusted off ye old Gamecube this morning because I've had a mad desire to play some Zelda. One of the best things I ever did was preorder Wind Waker so I could have Ocarina of Time on a Gamecube disk. OoT is far and away my favorite video game ever and I've probably completed it upwards of 10 times in my life (it's a long game, and thats a shitload of time wasted). Great storyline, beautiful soundtrack and otherwise just fun game. This morning I embarked on the epic quest to defeat the evil Ganondorf and save Hyrule again for probably the first time in 5 years. It's games like this that make me realize I don't need a next gen console, not yet anyway. And when I do eventually get something new it will probably be a Wii after it has dropped significantly in price just so I can play the Wii Zelda game.

At any rate, I think I'm heading over to a BBQ at Ed & Kim's place in about 20 minutes or so. It's too nice out to spend the entirety of my last day off in the house playing video games.

OH!

Be sure to check out my new favorite blog [second only to this one (maybe third to this one and Rider Insider)]... HIZZY FITz! ... It looks like it launched about a week before OALM did and it really is fantastic. You might even go so far as to call it the Anti-Fran. Because as we all know...

Fran Sucks!Duuuhhh... I'm Fran, and you taste good baby!

Finally, the oficjalny TELEDYSK!

2009-04-25T12:51:00.004-04:00

Well it's absolutely gorgeous in the city of Boston today. 75 degrees with the possibility of hitting, oh my god, 78. At about this point, I will be grabbing a beer or 6 from the fridge, plopping my ass on the deck and reading a book with my shirt off. Uh huh! With any luck I'll be able to avoid what happened last summer when I passed out and woke up with a book shaped white spot on my chest surrounded by a sea of red. Hey, whatever man.

Tonight I head to the Banshee in Dorchester to watch the Revs game... hopefully enough other people will show up so that maybe they'll like having us there (taking our money) enough to host us again. So come on down! 934 Dorchester Ave., Dorchester MA

Yes, Fran still sucks...

Everybody Sucks But Me...

2009-04-24T08:07:00.004-04:00

So starts the last "real" day of my April vacation... and it sucks. Yesterday my dog woke up with the inability to move her hind legs. The vet checked her out and says she has a herniated disc (where the hell that came from I have NO IDEA) and anyway it's putting pressure on her spinal cord and basically paralyzing her. The two options were medication and hope, or a really expensive surgery. We of course don't have the money for expensive surgery or the credit to work out a payment plan so we opted for the medicine. Day 2 of this ordeal (Today) rolls around and she doesn't seem much better. I take her back up to the vet in about two hours for a follow up and then she goes to a neurologist this afternoon. I wish I could say I have high hopes for a good outcome but the way my month has been going (see: Mom's Stroke) I'll be lucky if we don't both die in a horrific car accident on the way back from the vet.
My birthday is next week so things really have to start getting better, right? What a bunch of horse shit.

UPDATE:

Fran kinda makes me want to puke...

I Know Why The Nicholas Caged Bird Sings...

2009-04-23T12:12:00.009-04:00

I'm not entirely certain when Nicholas Cage became the butt of "The Internet's" joke, but I must say I approve.

For those of you not paying attention the Bruins just swept those asshole Canadiens in the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals last night. This is the first time we've gotten to round 2 since our 4 game to 2 win over Carolina 10 god damn years ago. Having lost to the Habs in 02, 04 and 08 I must say this feels really fucking good. It's actually the first time Boston has swept a series since beating those canadian pricks in the Wales Conference Division Finals in 1992. Yeah, I turned 9 years old during that year's cup playoffs.

All boring stats aside, I was working really hard to hold back the tears after the win last night. If things keep going the way they are going I expect to see the Rangers in round 2. Personally I hope they beat the Caps in 7 games and show up tired after the B's enjoy their well deserved few days rest.

In Other News!

Fran Sucks!
Like... a lot.

BEES!!!

2009-04-22T18:59:00.003-04:00

Whoa! This isn't woodshop class?

2009-04-21T15:10:00.003-04:00

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.

Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for.

I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.

Rev Girls new Acquisition?

2009-04-20T15:52:00.004-04:00

This, my friends, is the stuff nightmares are made of...

I doubt I'll sleep for a week.

Day off?!

2009-04-20T08:58:00.008-04:00

It's Marathon Monday here in the fine city of Boston, and I am faced with a difficult decision. Now this is a day that I have, in the past, spent drinking. Today however I find myself completely god damn broke. I mean I have a few dollars, but I probably shouldn't spend it since I have to come up with a couple hundred dollars by next week in order to pay off parking tickets and delinquent excise tax before the registry will renew my license. Speaking of which it's my birthday on the 30th... send money. Ok... I'll probably get a drink or two.

After writing my first post it was brought to my attention that "rocket pizza" is a real thing. I was more than ready to call bullshit on this but I thought I'd let ye olde internette do the walking. Turns out "Rocket" is another term for Eruca Sativa... which is the fancy science term for arugula. Now I'm not one to use arugula for uh anything but far be it from me to tell people how to eat their pizza.

For the sake of fun I augmented my image search to "rocket pizza on the moon" and this is what that good for nothing webs provided me with...Oh god damn it I hate the internet.

Seriously Zac Efron?

2009-04-19T15:40:00.010-04:00

What type of bullshit are you trying to pull? I know there seems to be a drought of creativity in Hollywood, causing movies to be remade, reinvisioned, and basically murdered by people who have probably only seen the original in passing. But of all the movies to revisit... you go with this one.

Now, I saw "18 Again" probably 18 years ago. I don't recall it being very good then. It had Pauly Shore in a minuscule buddy role and not much else to speak of. Charlie Schlatter(whose biggest role since has been "Additional Voices" in the Bee Movie video game) pretending to be a younger version of George Burns. HA! Based on the vast knowledge of IMDB we can only hope to expect the same from "17 Again" except George Burns will be played by Matthew (fucking) Perry. See none of this really matters because I have no intention of seeing this movie nor do I really care.

You know what? Fuck it...

Huge Burger?

2009-04-19T13:51:00.001-04:00

Strange things happen when you google "huge burger". Actually they don't, you just end up with a shitload of pictures and articles about huge burgers. Case in point:

Is the internet capable of providing me with more strange images of mutants in helmets eating massive foodstuffs? I don't know, but I'm damn interested to find out. Tune in next time when I google something like "rocket pizza" or maybe I'll do something completely different. Maybe this will be the last time I ever update this thing.

Maybe shut up.